All things unknown

Post midnight

2005-07-02T00:15:00.000-07:00

am up north atm and wondering when I'll get back here for another round of san francisco; too bad didnt make it there this time around, but was in san jose and the rather obscure tracy (yes, it's a town).
am dying to get back home to claremont and get cracking on my WORK: job, grant, applications, first year project, papers, the lot of it. I need to immerse myself in all of this to get out of my mind.
Today was realisation day for me, since I had ample alone time. Not because I chose to distance myself from people, but because I zoned off everytime people were talking about what's central to their lives, namely acquring money, bitching about others, judging others..you get the drift.
thought of my parents a lot today, them being complete antitheses to most people their age, I know. Will call them tomorrow when Im less cranky.
It has been increasingly brought to my notice
But I did end up being the consultant to my uncle who's sneakily looking for brides for my cousin online. Apparently my cousin will kill him if he finds out what his father;s upto all day behind his back. I am now one of his co-conspirators, but only in terms of advisement.
I realised though that sites such as the one he's registered at are enormously entertaining; like flipping through tv channels, a pastime I havent engaged in, since long now, but that which gets you addicted, nonetheless.
My uncle mistook my enthusiasm for future participation on the site, while I happily smirked on.

this just in: My friend Saurav has provided me with the most concrete definition of the ever-so-vague love, and I just wanted to document it for posterity; so here it is, copy-pasted straight off yahoo messenger:

love boltey I mean that "part" of ur feeling that doesnt depend upon u ...... maney banglai "byatha" ..... appreciation for the goodness of the other person, separate for ur need for him, ur attatchment & ur addiction

getting back to arranged marriages, I had no idea how prevalent they are, especially among the foreign born indian folks, green card holders etc.
another quote of sorts to end for the day, courtesy my poor, unsuspecting cousin: If these people are all so qualified and talented and beautiful, how come they arent married yet?

getting back to Saurav, who feels I am changing by the day (s) he meets me on ym; this is why he feels Im metamorphosing

u talk nowadays like u r straight out of the thriller novels with the style of a suave stylish heroine, not like the fairy godmother u used to be ..

thanks for getting me out of my midnight stupor

Crumbs

2005-05-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

This is the greatest link on earth for me right now. Anyone whose fondest childhood and adult memories are thanks to this crazily fortunate reporter and his dog will, hopefully appreciate this gem of a site.
Hope you Enjoy as much as I am!

general randomness

2005-05-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

baby pls get the beer
b'cos you are so near

atleast make me some rum
dont expect me to come

even whisky is fine
goes perfect with dine

all the shit it throws
having trouble with the nose

need to get soon well
forgot to eat burrito from taco bell

and the one this inspired...

DQ
Why were you
So weird and mean
Today, I've been
trying to
understand, do you
have a point you're trying to prove?
my beer's over so quick
because you chose to pick
up my can and pour
into your own
such naughtiness from you
I cant seem to
explain at all
dont drive me up the wall
or your fuel tank
will show a blank
and no one will be happy
specially your husky puppy

Phoenix, Baby

2005-04-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

All paths they led to phoenix, last thursday which was, for the u2 concert I had been awaiting for the past (let me calculate) 6 years. Huh. Quite the wait and was amply justified as Glendale arena exploded in lights, cheers and the grandest performance it has ever seen, Im certain.
So we (sandeep and I) set off at 6.30 am on a 6 hour drive for their show at 8 pm that night. As crazy as that sounds, we were given tips on how to maximize the chances of getting good ‘seats’ (the aopostrophes to be explained soon). Besides we had rather ambitiously planned (and this is why I advocate avoiding plans in advance) to leave the night before, which, lo and behold fizzled out. And even though I was up at 4 am, I couldn’t get sandeep out of bed before 5.30. So.
It was only later (at the Arena) that we met even crazier (not necessarily equated with their level of worship) folks who had reached there, to get a heads up on the line at 5 pm the day before. With these fans in our set of u2-adorers, we were actually doing fine.
So the car journey zipped by, with no u2 songs, as declared the apt policy, but with sights and sounds up in my head which made me acutely aware of where I was headed. I was complaining all day that this reality still had not sunk in. So we drove down Sonny Bono memorial freeway, and cher’s mate was of course nowhere in the picture, right after (or before) the sign alerting us of salome road floated by. Getting there….
The queue wasn’t intimidating, and as soon as we figured out which the u2.com members line was, we got comfy for the 5-5.30 wait till they started letting people in. just to be clear, I am not a u2.com member, but we got member tickets because the nice lady who had even visited Dublin for their show and who sold us the tickets at face value, is, so we took full advantage of that.
Met other people (even one who has been on 117 u2 shows) during the wait, which, however long it was, was quite entertaining. We weren’t sure we could drink outside, but we brought our loaded icepack there and happily finished off a 12 pack of beer between the 2 of us, even after we were told off by a purple shirted organiser. We got further prompted when we found out there was a beer stall for the waiting crowd. The guy in front of us had on a green Joshua tree t-shirt and I was sad to learn he had bought it from an obscure little shop, he couldn’t tell me about. Oh well.
Sandeep and I also struck a deal, that I would buy him a u2 t-shirt and he would get me a Dallas mavericks one (basketball is his thing). He now proudly sports his, while I look forward to mine.
The excitement soared as 6.30 arrived and the lines began moving indoors. The freakier part was that the stage for the show was in the shape of an ellipse and random numbers would decide who got to be inside it, with the stage looming right above their heads. U2.com members would be so privileged, but still the random numbers would decide on their fate. So the computer decided that I could get in to the ellipse and take someone else with me (duh). I swear I was numb despite the celebration of that priceless moment.
The first forty-five minutes was agonizing with the Kings of Leon opening up the acct. they weren’t too bad, and we pondered over the enormous pressure they were under, as well as their immense luck.
Anyway enough of the buildup.
So we were about three feet away from Bono and Adam for most of the show. Except for the times when Bono strutted off to the other end of the ellipse. Was surprised at how low-profile The Edge chose to remain J
They killed all with the first 3 songs: Love, peace or Else, Vertigo and Elevation, and I was exhausted with the mad jumping around even before Bono started talking to the audience. I have a sore throat to date.
But he was like a proud lion, walking all over his territory, surveying his kingdom, taking stock of other lesser cats around him. The other 3 were of course more subdued, letting him take full control. Hence his god status. Set List was pretty impressive with two encores. What was very, very explicit though was his political stance, with Sunday Bloody Sunday, Bullet the blue sky, Love-peace, One, Miracle drug, Pride.
No pictures, because our camera wasn’t charged, but seriously not concerned. Front row, front row. That is all.
The next day, to continue on that u2 high, we visited the Joshua Tree National Park. The cd was on for the greater part of the drive. One of my basic interests was also in the tree.
Other exciting news, have got an internship over the summer at Riverside, 45 minutes away, will be doing research for the Forest Service
Excited, because this will be my segue into environmental psych research, and god knows I’ve networked enough to last me, well this semester, at least. But that means I need a car by end May. Hmmmm.
Such is the story for now.

After the hiatus

2005-02-27T22:38:00.000-08:00

ok peer pressure has resulted in this blog, and I know some people are dying to read it, so I
will end their misery right here.
so what has been happening is the key question, right?
NOw,am being sort of pursued by the biggest loser on earth. People who know me will
acknowledge that Im hardly judgemental, but this is someone who comes back even after having
heard (several times) that I am not interested in going out with him. For food or drink. this
is someone who almost invited himself over to dinner I was headed for with another friend.the level of desperation is sad. to add to the reasons why he is such a turn off, imagine my
response to him asking whether my disinterest is because he's pakistani. had to resort to
convince him that I dont lead an exciting enough life, for me to elaborate upon the details of
it.
BY now I should have learnt how to express my disinterest in a decent manner, but looks like I
will have to resort to insulting him somehow. Have to do this EXPLICITLY. maybe I shouldnt talk to people. One conversation deos not result in a date. At least I know
his name now. he will continue being whathisnnm in my phone. Why I am always bothered by
these strange cases, I dont know. Cant even figure out where the line between a normal
conversation and flirting is. Flirts are too much of a turn OFF.I want some say in the matter as well, the chance of which diminishes in the process of
flirting.
Im wondering when my roommates will realise that I am in the apartment only in the mornings
just to take a shower and collect my books..yes I am hardly there these days. am alternating
between the burkle building and the library for the past three weeks or so.My room for now is just a dumping ground for my meagre possessions...
am also doing an enormous amount of networking within the colleges here, in an attempt to hook
up with environmental organisations.The one Im especially interested in is the
Sierra Club
this is exciting because Ive just discovered how to post links on the blog (thanks, nelson ;))
I think Im spending too much time contacting people, and meeting with them, with no positive
outcome from it, so far. Im severely optimistic, though, so Im going to carry on, without
compromising time better spent on other priorities.
Grad student life can be fun, actually. What I enjoy most is that there's always something to
do. keeps me thoroughly occupied so that boredom never manages a peep.
I have also been receiving several complaints, primarily from my father, about my lack of
communciation, so am going to have to get back on email with most people I have kind of
ignored, for long now. Best of luck with that.
What is getting to me rather sorely is the fact that I havent written anything in a while.
Which is strange, considering I have enough inspiration, where Im located this very moment.
Time will give way to this, of course.
But I AM bored stiff in the dorms these days. Am just not entertained enough, or I have other
more pressing priorities...wanted to get away from there badly on one such occasion. Maybe Im tired of seeing the same,
old faces, and the same old alcohol? who knows.... I guess this semester is getting the better of most of us. thankfully had a major
get-to-together this week, where Everyone of note was present. sort of got back on track with
everyone, via food and drink. We in fact cooked, me making the palak paneer and pavan the
biriyani. this was on sandeep's birthday, where he claimed to have been the main chef all
night long. lots of pointless drinking card games later I fell asleep. I dont want to become
an expert on palak paneer, but. this is already the second time Ive made it for mass
consumption in the space of 2 months..
But great fun, despite. was glad to have everyone enjoying themselves thoroughly. together.
sleepy now, so will carry on soon.
hopefully I have appeased some folks in the process, if not, well, there's always next time.

spring unfolds

2005-01-30T16:59:00.000-08:00

one freaking month is over, and where did it go, I wonder.
So parents visited and it was fun showing them the sights which count as mundane in my life atm. For eg, Mt Baldy, the Burkle courtyard, the Village (I scream inside when I refer to this) and other such scenes. I had tremendously high hopes of cooking for them, which resulted in my first purchase of chicken...of course there was no time and inclination so eating out happened at a frightening pace. I had doggybags of Chinese, Thai and Japanese food in my fridge after that weekend. Also did LA, and was happy to see my mother tinker around with her new camera. Am proud of her.
It feels very odd now that they've left the country permanently. Dont get me wrong, am not sad and mopey about it. From Ma's pov especially, the adjustment, post NY will be a tussle. Baba, I know is relieved to return :)
anyway, Ma's got transferred to Bombay this time, WHICH means, there will be a significant stopover there on my next India trip.
So, meye, if you're reading this, try and keep some time free around July-Aug this year. not sure of this, but tis a consideration.

especially because I need to earn/save for, not only my car and my college fees, but also occasional trips now and then to obscure places like, let's say....egypt for instance.

Am a bit excited about my cultural studies class tomorrow, because Lourdes mentioned something about the Sierra Club, and getting on board with their environmental project should be a definite advantage.
My time management skills will be tested majorly in the next few months.

Also Clockwork Orange happened on Friday, so pleased to no end. Great 80's music. We declared we wouldnt be able to assess the extent of the dancing till next morning when teh body aches kicked in. Didnt get the chance, primarily because sandeep and I spent the next 8 hours or so on bacardi and coke, thanks to his nice roomie's well stocked bar.
end result was dark circles around eyes and got worked up when 2 people told me this... hopefully last night's 12 hour rest worked. However interrupted.
was pretty shocked when anirban called..from calcutta. Scared him with my Oh my god. I was sleeping dammit.
My brownie phase is once again nearing...
have dinner tonight at charlene's place, and so getting back in touch with fellow international students is the agenda.
Ok am a bit concerned about the eviction notice in the dorms. hopefully people will be able to work things out with housing. also feeling vaguely responsible, though am never the one loud enough to warrant visits by campus security. does mere presence count? officially, maybe not, but up in my head, a pretty big yes. We really need to be quiet now. or at the least, change location.

will the chicken be cooked tonight is the burning question atm.....

Spreeing away

2005-01-23T19:47:00.000-08:00

Under starless skies,
Flashing lights
And grumbling clouds
Screaming out,
Softly fading out,
And shadows of trees
That are trees themselves,
And earthly glows
Through them shows
You rooted where you are.
A playful breeze
Not quite there
To touch you anywhere,
But you know it's out there.
Blackened leaves clustered all around
Shutting out the world that
You can peer at
From your island nest,
While you're nowhere in the scene,
Where the rain like silent teardrops,
Stumbles down the shaded green.
Oh, to be there forever,
Where you're not meant to be.

That epic pome

2005-01-23T19:32:00.000-08:00

Long after a purple twilight
Fades into a moonlit night,
And the waves gently splash the shores
And lull the sands to a restless slumber,
The woods are hushed,
The woods are still,
Till the ocean breeze through the leaves
Snaps the busy, forest life out of their sleep.
And there she walked, deep in thought,
Wondering where she'd end up next
Just following the snaky, wooded path.
A question lingered in her mind,
The answer to it she could not find,
It didn't matter, and she didn't care.
She knew that it would come to her
Some day, some time, some place else,
She was just happy to be there.

A musty smell passed her by,
She enjoyed it while she could,
The crickets' chatter made her smile,
Though she wished they wouldn't fly.
A hint of blue caught her eye,
It seemed an alien flower,
Or was it just the moon above
Upto its usual tricks ?
She stopped, she turned and headed there,
Where this new mystery lay,
The foliage shut out the moon, so that she didn't see
Just when she had, happily, walked straight into a tree.

He laughed out loud, it filled the air,
She looked up with a glare,
She rubbed her poor, injured nose,
Or so she thought right then,
But as she joined him in his laugh
Not strangely, she brightened.
The blue flower found himself alone
All over once again,
They weren't impressed with what they saw
So they walked on and away.

What troubled him was the starless sky,
It was clear and incomplete,
A pretty picture it would have made
With downy, fluffy clouds, at least.
The image of a thunderstorm floated through his mind,
The lightning streaks, high up there
Tearing up the sky,
Alights the deadened, darkened gloom
The moon had left behind.
Angrily, the leaden clouds do roar with all their might,
And the forest life, burrowed deep, quiver and quake in fright,
The raindrops trickling down the leaves,
Drenched in silvery light,
The fragrance of the moist earth
And the blossoms, freshly bathed,
The scurrying creatures of the night, emerge from hiding,
A different world, a glistening world, as delightful as can be.
A joyous walk through puddled paths
He knew it wouldn't be,
Water creeping down his soaked spine
Was far from what he needed.

He looked up now, and there she was,
Basking in her own light,
He softly sighed, and was he glad
He was with her and nowhere else.
He looked up now, and there he was
Brought right down, onto the ground,
A mossy patch had done him in
While other sights he'd had to see.
Amazed, he stared at her as she
Overflowed with peals of laughter,
While there he lay on the grassy floor
With something green walking up his sleeve.
He brushed it off, he stood up, he grinned,
He thought it indeed true,
That some, old, soul in the heavens above
Somehow did even scores.

The sea-sounds grew more distinct now,
The air damper with every step,
The lonely sea shore, at last was reached
When through the leaves was seen,
The waves caressing sandy shores, the moon beaming on.
And endlessly they did gaze, at the vision before their eyes,
Till someone realised the beach was still left unexplored.
A heady whiff of ocean breeze took him far, far away,
Till she brought him back to the moonlit shore
Pointing out a solitary star,
Twinkling daintily.
He wondered how he had not seen, when to his joy he saw,
Faint and tiny stars shining dimly in the sky,
We've endured enough, they said, not meekly, to the moon,
The skies are yours, as well as ours, what say you, to a truce ?
The gracious moon, in the best of moods, kindly did oblige.
Contentedly, he smiled along, the stars kept shining on.

And back it came, the question, unanswered as before,
She wished that it would go away, and let her stay in peace.
The shifting sands below her feet, could offer no solace,
When he wondered just where she was, he wondered out aloud.
She shrugged and answered listlessly,
She didn't quite know herself.
The trip back to the real world, brought her to her senses
And made her feel her hunger pangs so very painfully,
Ah yes, he said, if only, the hamper had been here,
If only in her haste she had not left it on the table.
These trifles worked out for the best, she said, as she knew,
Carry it, she would not have, and surely, neither would he.
A crooked branch she found at last, lying in the sand,
A wand, a sword, a pen it turned into, in her hand.
The fairies shied from the oceanside, they hid in forests deep,
A warrior she could never be, she confessed, lazily.
So she scribbled, scribbled, scribbled away, to her heart's content,
As the sandy grains made way for her writing instrument.
She drew cottages and birds and stars with happy faces here and there,
Lyrics of her favourite songs she traced out with care,
Till effortlessly, a weakling of a wind
Brought the sand back to its place.
She wrote on, it mattered not that it'd disappear without a trace,
What mattered were the incredible words she'd never quite forget.
She wished that there were shells around to keep her art in place,
A spotless, perfect beach as this, she never before had seen.

He reached the foamy water's edge, facing the full moon,
Her soothing aura awed him so, he stood there, transfixed.
The music of the lapping waves, slowly, he discerned,
And joined the humming sea mist, not in perfect harmony.
He threw his voice upon the waves,
The tunes never made more sense.
He saw the moon smile down at him,
He winked, to let her know, that he believed in her
Heavenly face, and not some man, no one could place.
And just when he broke into a dance, he never did know.
His steady, swaying, steps, they seemed to usher in the sea,
The snapping of his fingertips, did so excite the breeze.
The trance wore off quite suddenly, when he heard her cry
At this most unusual sight that lay before her eyes.
At length they met before the waves,
Their laughter yet to die,
As she used her quill to paint his face,
While he sang a nursery rhyme.
Along the trailing shore they walked, seemingly headed nowhere,
The conversation knew no end, they carried on without a care.

The rocky cliff they did climb, to seat themselves up high,
And sure enough, the view below, made them catch their breath.
And carelessly, the sea sprays did brush past their cheeks,
The happy moon peered at them both, so very much at ease.
She sang a song, a light-hearted one,
He followed it up with another,
The duet wouldn't work out fine
And amused them for a while.
On the jagged surface, he did try to drum a beat,
Till the prospect of a battered hand got him to tap his feet.
She continued her handiwork on the uneven, rock wall,
Till impulsively, her magic pen into the waves she let fall.
She followed its peaceful course as it slowly floated away,
Till she could see it no longer on the grey and white waves.
A tearful farewell it was not meant to be,
As she saw herself shout out, an ecstatic goodbye.
He cheered with whole heart and soul, making ample noise
Befitting such activities on a lovely, moonlit night.

She couldn't help a tiny yawn, it was so very late,
He grinned and found himself some place, just to lie and wait,
Accusing him of stealing her place
She propped herself on a huge, dark stone.
The stars shone bright in an inky sky,
He beheld the moon as she kept an eye
On every creature that roamed the night.
He turned, he saw, he knew right when
She closed her eyes and she drifted off
To a distant land, a land of dreams
Where logic and reason are banished away
And where secret wishes could set sail.

In the dark no more

2005-01-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

So why is this called Coffee in the Dark?

Ive often pondered over that, with no success coming up with a logical answer. The only way to explain this apparently cryptic title is as follows, though logic features nowhere here:

Coffee in the dark
When you can't see within
The mug in the hand
Where the story begins.
Whipping up a storm
With a swirl of the hands,
Tonight, the coffee is on you,
As the bubbles of life
In whirlpools disappear
Into the dark and layered depths
Of all that is seen in the candlelight,
Till all that you feel
Are the foamy waves,
As you try to sip,
For you've outdone yourself,
And you know right then,
What you've achieved,
As the flavour, it rises and reaches way up
From where it travels the world
And conquers the soul,
And that's when the light from the candle
In the mug is seen,
The flickers urging the froth to roam
Till the twinkling stars reach your lip,
Time stops as the candles bow to the wind
Till they tug at the flames,
Thrashing, all ablaze,
Making the one ultimate move,
Till their heads held high,
They stand in the night,
When the camels caress
Beneath the glittering sky,
When the jewelled palms
Stand motionless beside,
After the sun's shut out the light,
Over wooded slopes,
Smirking at the dark tree's silhouette,
Barren and bare,
Whose leaves hardly cared,
Rejoicing in his might,
The sun descends,
The tree's plea remained
Unheard and untouched,
But the sun's vain departure
Conceived a world alight
With pleasures and pains
The sun couldn't share,
And the candle, now receding,
Struggled in the night,
Wouldn't let down the lives
Breathing in its flames,
The one, lonely star
Nestling in the violet sky,
Looked unhappily on
As the fire flames were tossed,
The red, burning tip,
Bearing the brunt
Of the merciless wind,
Danced snakily on,
And as one flame is doused
Another arose,
The flames igniting the wind's ceaseless flow,
The single tear from the friendless star
Was engulfed in the rage of the fire below,
The flames synchronise
In the stillness now,
Awaiting the wind
Like the magical wand,
That touches and goes,
Leaving eyes in awe
Of its wondrous blow,
And as the wax slides down
The stronger flame,
The feebler of body
Refuses to die,
Gasping for breath,
It's head afloat
In the sooty maze of
Trailing mists,
That hide it in one moment, safe,
Losing itself in shadowed light,
Till it bursts forth through,
As the other's blown out,
And through it all,
The feebler stays
Stronger inside its unpredictable light,
And when the trees pull apart,
Inviting the wind
And the world to show
Those old pictures,
Which in the fire-lit night will glow,
The candles burn out
One drop at a time,
And all that remain
Are the coffee stains.

Moving on

2005-01-16T16:58:00.000-08:00

Into the new year and not jobless anymore. Started friday at the Quality of Life Research Center in Burkle. Working on this extended project on creativity with Mihalyi Cziksentmihalyi, who’s Hungarian and apparently frighteningly high-profile. As ever had no idea, and am indebted to my dean for recommending I talk to him.
The funny thing is now I am extremely confused and am seriously reconsidering my class with Lourdes in the Cultural studies department. Why I have to have such myriad interests I don’t know. hopefully, talking to Bridgette, who's my mentor, will be useful.
A lot has changed this month, and the only thing left to do is to expect the unexpected.
What is certain though is that time for merriment will have to be eked out of all possible resources. My schedule will be killing, in other words.

My parents drop in next weekend, before hitting Calcutta after long. Might do a bit of LA, depending upon how enthusiastic my father is about 'sight-seeing' :)). they have an exciting route back home. New York-Claremont-San Francisco-Toronto-Manchester-Calcutta. My next vacation in India will be via the same.

Hangovers will also become less frequent now. Two consecutive nights of what has been dubbed a low key affair seems to have done everyone good. No campus security or cops should be a good sign, but then there are standards to uphold...
I sponsored one of those parties, on landing a job, at long last.
anirban left for calcutta today and sandeep dubbi gets back on tuesday. it's creepy how distance is frantically sought after a point. What's creepier is that after another point, distance just mocks. I am having convoluted dreams again, practically every night. Not good. let's see whether the next few weeks can change that.

met raghu's fiance's friend at usc today, and the lovely turkey keema at her place, i think, helped curb my severe headache. She might come down to claremont in a couple of weeks over the weekend. Looking forward to some female company to socialise with.

My roommate camelia is selling her car! Her mom got her a new honda, sigh. Wondering whether I should make the most of this. Am the first person she has told. I thought the kind of car wouldnt matter, considering how minimal my knowledge of cars is, but it probably does. Or maybe Im just making excuses.
Speaking of roommates, have a new taiwanese one, called han, who is quite chatty. everyone comments on how good the food smells when Im cooking. very kicked by that. I doubt whether those comments would have come by, if I had indian roomies, but no complaints there.

A note on New York: Flurries on the first night there made up for the snow I was missing. Ate and drank all the way through. Got treated by most people, so was happier. the streets called as ever. also wont be seeing 18 d and that gorgeous skyline from there, ever again. Predictably, didnt get to help pack before the last evening. want to make my ny trips more regular. the story continues.

end of year sentiments

2004-12-31T11:16:00.000-08:00

Wonder what the Grand finale in Vegas will be like. Been a whirlwind of a year. The craziness began right from the first of this year and has been a companion all along.
The first few months were swathed in uncertainty about where I’d end up in those following. Amidst mind-boggling stress Claremont emerged as the glimmer of hope and finally offered refuge. I am very grateful to Dr. Coates.
Classes at CGU began with a bang, and I soon fell into a crowd of new faces, some strange, others not as interesting , and so it continued. It was a killing semester and we have been amply lauded for surviving it. Hoping to get started with work (of the paying kind) next semester. Met a million professors , personally, and Jorge keeps reiterating how Im the only one in the department to achieve this. It will be a feat only when something productive actually comes out of my curiosity.
Met the Dean of our school for the first time under very awkward circumstances. Glad that the second was more comfortable and hopefully will have initiated a job on campus. As is evident, I am on the verge of paranoia regarding my finances.
Have made a very commendable effort to reduce alcohol intake, and am very impressed. This means that the much-detested beer is what I now prefer over other more exciting options. Pat on the back has already happened and am only looking to continue.
The number of friends I’ve made this year also makes for heady contemplation. From all over as ever, but then the path always leads back home and hence have got intensely comfy with people in the dorms. My super-fast attachment to people I cannot fathom, for it comes with excess baggage I can do without. The rewards outweigh the costs, is all I make of it. I thank Thibaut and Kelley and their Interdependence theory for explaining the complicated process that is a relationship.
Thus the Halloween party came by and to think that my dropping in was an afterthought, is scary. After a modest amount of beer and hours of insane dancing when one college band started their live performance, was when I met most of these people and it bewilders us to this day, how close we got in like a month’s time. This was initiated by Anirban’s birthday party which was the ideal trippy beginning. As the parties continued, so did we. Grand Canyon was the next stop and set further milestones. A month later immediately after San Francisco, it was a different story, ending up at the beginning and that is where I am now. Just happy.
Travelling was a regular feature, since August to Calcutta and then straight to Claremont. A culture shock awaited me, with lives dependant on cars, and without any sight of carefree jaywalkers. In short New York took its toll on me. Let me explain, or try to. I did not miss the city. As mentioned before I take to a new life as easily as I leave a past one. The thrilling possibilities in this obscure town 30 miles east of LA was all I had in mind. This is my source of sustenance and it has not let me down.
Revisiting new york over a weekend, unfortunately not on my private jet plane, got me back on the drug that is the city’s charm. It will be a lifelong dependence. Methinks there will be regular visits, starting with the one in the first week of January 05. there are so many people to catch up with there that I fear I wont have time for my solitary ramblings all over town, most often with an eye out for coffee places or eating joints.
My parents will be going back to India in mid January for sure. I moved in here quite effortlessly. This is me getting back on track with my year alone in Calcutta. Except now Dimma isn’t here. I often feel like an ingrate for not missing them, but this is made aware by questions from predictable people who know my answer and just feel it’s what should be asked. There’s a difference between missing people and thinking about them - this is a concept I have no issue with, and others seem to grapple with it to their detriment. Tsk tsk.
I decided I am sufficiently awed by San Francisco to want to live there at some point of time in the future. A lot remains to be explored, but that is true of every place, and I include Claremont in that thought. Such is my belief in that statement. Streets so steep that the downhill treads leave you begging for the uphill hikes. Residents so laid-back, it could be their source of livelihood. Colours which stun the eyes, unaccustomed to pastel shades in so urban a scene. The bay.
Baz Luhrmann had made the most valuable observation presumably a while ago, which I have hung on to for long now.
“Live in New York city once in your life, but leave before it makes you too hard, Live in northern California once in your life, but leave before it makes you too soft.”
About the east coast end of it, I definitely do not want to work in nyc. I feel my love for the city will be sustained simply with occasional and perhaps even not-so occasional visits. For the moment I will enjoy my amusement at others’ (non-new Yorkers) excitement when I show them my NY state id. It’s a great start to a conversation.
January will keep me busy and stressed. Have a whole bunch of payments to make before classes begin, have to reconnect with professors and finish off with papers, are some of these. AND a visit to the Joshua Tree National Park could materialize in Jan. I will then be on the high only played out in my imagination….Also intend to get back to a regular exercise schedule. Have completely gotten off the habit since Ive entered warmer climes.
For now, Las Vegas will herald in the new year, less than a day away. Wondering what I expect will happen there.

Post Grand Canyon

2004-12-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

Is where I am right now, and the giddiness persists.
trip was unbelievably eventful. freaked everyone out by reaching bus late; ppl were about to send a park ranger on a rescue mission to get me back; funny. I was kept waiting to be served orange juice by an uninterested bartender after having walked ass off, on the way back to the summit. met interesting folks also climbing up at various junctures. Canyon itself was breathtaking; had no expectations of the visit and hence amply rewarded; I wasnt too unhappy when my camera decided to conk off, as I got to experience the scenery from outside of the camera lens
night before anirban kept everyone up by talking mercilessly and arbitrarily in his sleep; apparently inordinate amounts of alcohol does that to him
then eff injured his head on a wooden beam while jumping off a table at the rest stop on the way back; so visit to hospital happened as well.
and then it snowed on the last day, waking up to a white landscape is heavenly.
got back to piles of work and have finished a portion for this week.
Bumped into Lourdes in Harper Hall and am hoping she and Paul decide to start their project soooon, so I can get involved in it as well. Promising. In the meantime have to meet with Stuart Oskamp to get a sense of environmental psychology straight out of the horse's mouth.
basically the last month has sort of cemented my life here in Claremont.
Two lines from the master dictate as usual :

Where you live should not decide
Whether you live or whether you die

---Crumbs from your table, U2

but of course, How to dismantle an atomic bomb is the current soundtrack.

Might go to San Diego after finals: excitement awaits yet again.

theme of long

2004-10-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

All that is familiar
On sidewalks trampled
Lanes leading
On to trails of invisible charm
Smells greet and kiss the nose
Visions transfix, still the same
Dedications play throughout
Tingling uncertainty overflowing
Runs riot on flesh aroused.
The madness and excitement of all mundane
So dear for life
Strangers turn into pals now and here
Churned out of a common mould
One knows the other at first glance.
A powerful force
So emerges her face
Though out of the haze
Of coppery green
Indistinct her features
Embracing the pieces into a whole.
Effortlessly trickle into the vein
Throbbing with passionate life.
A feeling of belonging
Within the gayest streets
Party time at every hour
Fit into the role
Smoothly as the glove
Snug in the pocket of a soul,
Though searching,
Recognises home.

NY again

2004-10-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

"Is that your spot?"
Is what the man in the W train asked me. Apparently I “made straight” for the closed door as I entered the compartment. So he got to hear how I am now a mere visitor; also expressed massive appreciation for making my day. This is why I am a thorough New Yorker. They have tell-tale markers. Over and above the black attire, that is. Spent a sizeable amount of time talking to an elderly Sikh storekeeper about the travails of setting up a trinket shop in the Village. Still could not buy the discounted (?) ring for $ 13. gave directions to a lost soul in the subway. The girl at Press Toast said I always seemed very happy during my trips there. This comment warranted because of the dismal weather, which probably kept away customers. Obviously, I do not let the weather get in my way. She was the third person to hear of my relocation, concluding that they might open a branch in CA as well. Exciting.
The city and me share too deep a bond to ignore. Honestly I was never missing it three time zones away, which left me wondering about the extent of its impact on me. Doubting, shall we say. My two day whirlwind of a trip just dispelled every half-baked conclusion I had drawn. I am as much an integral part of it as it is of me. The attitude is definitely central, and not only the one expressed by a grumpy, grouchy Calvin on tshirts, mugs and other such tourist friendly knick-knacks. I feel it to be the confidence and nonchalance splattered all over us.
Mere visitor I was not, though.
This is an abrupt end to this blog, but so it must be.
I am at peace with the grand realisation this trip afforded me.

LA

2004-10-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

Well I saw the city of angels
It brought a devil out in me
And Hell's hotel on Sunset
Showed a whore no mercy
As the orange sky was screaming
From the roof I let her go
These are the dizzying heights that brought me
My Wild Irish Rose

----U2

Im following one man’s journey through this country, it seems.
But seriously, it isnt funny anymore. Next stop will, hence, be Nevada.
LA hit me very hard; there aren’t many pictures to show for it unfortunately, chiefly because I turned progressively depressed as the day swept on. Also because I didn’t want to feel like an outsider taking pictures of all and sundry.
I trooped all around downtown LA, and mostly in areas I was told not to venture into. I did not go further west into Hollywood, because I am so unmoved by the apparent glamour about it. Hence stuck around in very real world LA, where people happily carried on conversations with me, in Spanish. The website which had been my guide was of great help, though I shouldn’t have overestimated my ability to go about it so systematically. Potential routines obviously went haywire, though I had a gala time. This is why I was glad Richa couldn’t come with me. I need to get a sense of a new city by myself; unless I get to interact with the people going about their daily business at a personal level, I am very unfulfilled and I cant claim to have seen much of it…obviously still have loads to explore, but it was a promising start. Chinatown and Little Tokyo were both wonderful, and so succumbed to a harmless bout of shopping for some rather needless items like a glass-bottomed boxed structure with shells and stars on it, and what I think is a candle-stand. Have to trip out on the sushi places in Little Tokyo though. As well as the night life. Grand Central market with every kind of cuisine in tiny stalls rendering them inexpensive and indicative of the street culture, was another precious find.
Now the reason I got sad was because of the massively large number of homeless people all over. It was shocking and would never have imagined this if not for this first-hand experience. The exciting part was that I was quite comfy with the city, and hence was treated like a tourist nowhere. Didn’t feel that way either :)
The next time will be still more thrilling.
Work front: aced midterm, finished off paper and am looking to delve into next week’s reading tomorrow. Got hold of research advisors also. Just have to get in touch with them asap. Have presentation on research methods week after and should be pretty decent.
A thoroughly unexpected proposition has also come to light: Jorge’s girlfriend who plays the viola (and is part-Irish hehehehe) might give me violin lessons!!!!!!
People are finding my strange love for all things Irish, rather..well, strange. That’s not half as bad as the cords struck by my sympathy and adoration for sharks. Happy.
My Romanian roommate calls me Rupanita, as a result of us bonding away merrily. I might be developing an Eastern-European penchant as well. Time shall tell.

The Cohort

2004-09-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

I like my peers a lot; there’s a peaceful acceptance of how we’ve really got to depend on each other to keep our sanity intact.
Also acknowledged there will be an inordinate amount of alcohol, so you have to be wary of end results. Last night handled well, though I was surprised I was able to walk straight after everything.
So we assessed our peers and what we’re expecting of them, and why we are more partial towards a chosen few. For me it would have to be Jorge, Chad, Susana and Jennifer Lopez hehehehehe. I love meeting people who dislike small talk as much as I do. So it is inevitable in new groups and Im surprised at my skills at this, but there’s a limit to which I can continue doing it. I like Anthony too, too bad he’s in a different programme, which hinders closer contact, but that’s why we have social events at the rate we do. Separate conversations, last night and today all of which made me very happy. Met Richa too, and dropped in to CK’s Café (previously Nick’s café), hidden behind a boring parking lot. The more obscure the more intriguing. Made her trot all about the village with people she hardly knew. Have to call Aparnaa about cell phone. Got my learner’s permit as well. Yippee! First step towards car. Have to call Hardayal Prasad tomorrow, could lead to LA trip shortly, am pining for some city air. Have to find walking routes to keep me entertained in the meanwhile. Hope someone will organize some trip soon, am too bogged down with work and honestly have done so too often, you’d think some others will take an initiative tooooo. Have to bug Jorge a bit more to ensure Clockwork Orange happens.
I am not a party animal but I want my share of the club scene. I strive for a practical balance between work and play, though I am known to extend into both extremes. Moderation Im still yet to master, is my point.
Room-mates (yes, I now have 2) seem good, and as expected of my track record, are as diverse as I could have hoped for. Romania and Taiwan. I feel very fortunate. Just as I did yesterday, talking to Paul Faulstich, whose Labrador is called Gamma (pronounced Jama). He asked me to use my interdisciplinary knowledge and interest in a positive way. Hmmm hadn’t been doing that, for some strange reason, and was glad it was so explicitly articulated by an outsider. So continues my wild goose chase to get a research advisor.
So much Im discovering about myself. Walking through a dense overgrowth of trees, shrubs and grass I was struck by the link between my love of trees and my ever escalating curiosity about environmental psychology. It is a known fact that the obvious escapes my very selective span of awareness.
I got myself a white coffee mug whose enormity I wont quite be able to express. It might also serve as a soup bowl. It’s not flat.
Got a Frames’s CD for $3!!!! It was like hearing their concert at South Street Seaport all over again. Aaaaah
There’s a dinner at the I-place tomorrow, have to decide which CD I could take. Thai is the flavour of my life atm. Want to go to the music sale too. As long as you don’t get yourself bankrupt there.

Pasadena

2004-09-12T16:03:00.000-07:00

Don’t know where to begin exactly. So much happened.
I am incredibly happy to be here. As much of an unreal, transient bubble it seems, this is actually my life.
Got a reply from Lourdes Arguelles, who has been in a path similar to mine. (read switched to psych after doing a bachelor’s in eco, what’s the probability of meeting two of those??? Ok, been too involved in stats.)Want to meet her BADLY and probably will next week. If she can teach me even an inkling about the potential of environmental psych, I will be indebted. I want to provide shelter for the Dalai Lama’s cats, along the way, toooo.
Man, I need a car. Cant keep saying that enough. DMV is next on the list. Susana is my saviour for now. Will pay for parking from now on.
Old Pasadena is awesome. Im still confused about whether it is in LA, but she was nearly positive it is. Felt great to be surrounded by a mad rush of people, jaywalking away to glory. Susana commented I walk like a New Yorker (hahahahaha) weaving my way in and out of the crowds. True story there. It’s been a great exchange, me learning about the culture here, and imparting my acquired and cultivated knowledge of east coast life.
Im getting more and more transparent by the day, which is unlike anyone Ive ever been and it’s a peaceful feeling. I realize this as people speak of aspects of me that I consciously cultivate, even though I don’t attempt to make it obvious to others. A teeny example of this is my natural propensity to seek out the coolest places to visit and things to do. Being aware of this sure helps and that’s what I shall happily continue doing. Hence stumbled upon this ultra-hep coffee place called Equator in a not-so obscure alley off Colorado Blvd, which is also a hookah bar. Had to ask whether it was an irish joint because of coffees named irish mint, emerald isle and something else. The counter girl shook her head, smiled and told me it could be anything I wanted it to be. A small stage also attracted me as did the grungy look, feel and sound.
I know Im transitioning as I unsubscribe from the streams of ny mailing lists and start checking out the la ones.
Also went to a birthday party with half of my class at a Mexican place. My official drink here is going to be a mojito, I have concluded. Leaving behind the vodka and cranberry-s as well. My second birthday this week. Considering we had Thai for lunch it’s been a multi-ethnic dream for me today.
I have also decided to get myself a mixed breed Pomeranian when I have the time and the confidence to rear another living being. They are the most beautiful dogs I have ever known. Know 2 of them (a male and a female) here and they are lovely, friendly creatures. Jeanie has gorgeous eyes. I would have kept the bunny advertised by Rachel if I were allowed to have pets in my apartment.
Ok, and event of the day: met my neighbour, with whom I share a wall. I don’t believe Ive met a friendlier soul, from very first sight. I will see him around as I promised. Very Exciting, this is. I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecies also. Welcome Night at the Village waits then.

Claremont

2004-09-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

First blog in sunny California.
Just getting into the flow of things here. Love how stable the weather is. As of now don’t need a fan, but then again I am strange about certain matters.
Saw huge cacti on Dartmouth ave, 2 blocks north of where I live in graduate housing. I was the first to get this apartment and hence got to choose room, and after much unnecessary debate picked the room with the view- of the rest of the complex. I need people in my periphery, so what if my window spanning the entire breadth of the wall and overlooking the common balcony, is open to passers-by waving, smiling or trying hard not to look in to my world. Only an issue, if needs be, for the few hours Im home.
Have to formally meet boy next door, who I see everywhere and perennially smiling. Probably at next event. Which is something I love about this place. Socialising opportunities are boundless, usually supplemented with considerably generous amounts of food and alcohol.
We have a school sponsored on-campus happy hour sometime next week. Actually free booze I have to strive to stay away from, last night unpredictably proving so. Was hungover and late for cognitive brown bag lunch at noon. Great that the lunch started late too. I think I scare people sometimes. Apart from snippets about why people might not like u2, lady next door politely asking volume of music to be lowered and people taking pictures, very clearly recall pritish acknowledging that I am indeed bi. So much for the official first in sunnier climes.
I am, above everything else, very happy to be in Claremont. As I had anticipated I am neither pining for nor missing new york. An absolute opposite are these two places. The Village, so charmingly named, I feel almost ashamed to walk about in, also having sauntered about in the other more (in)famous one.
Yet. I do acknowledge that I NEEDED to leave the place. Time to move on had arrived, and I don’t want to follow the footsteps of the new Yorker who, however broadminded, can look no further than the glittering confines of the city. I am happy that uttering “the city” does not ring familiar J
So then. My room-mate who turned up today seems like she will be involved deeply with her circle of friends. Potential problem with one bathroom solved, though. Apparently it is a Taiwanese custom to bathe at night. Told her to let me know if my music bothers her, figured I should say “…tell me if..blah blah blah bothers you..” to her too. She will perhaps unpack before I do.
I cooked for myself tonight after deciding eating out and off our social events will eventually wreck me inside out. Anyway was kind of horrified to see a pic of an almost thin me from last night. I saw scary collarbones and decided to take charge of things.

After the digression, back to where I was headed. My classes reinforce every time how fortunate I am to sneak in here at the last moment. The confused state of mind isn’t mine alone, everyone is happy to note. I love the potential, and need to think through my options carefully. The social support so far (through an exciting week) has been gratifying. Beyond the usual oddball are interesting and engaging souls. The kooks’ company I enjoy as well, though. The profs are exceptional too: allen is a hoot and I am quite drawn to dale and his research. Everything seems daunting and I am loving every bit of this new limitless phase. I do live in the moment and I am now completely convinced of it.

after calcutta

2004-08-26T05:06:00.000-07:00

tui jemon mataal, janina pakhir kothata tor eto bhalo legechey keno ..... I understand it is a truth, & it is a welcome relief after years of carrying on an emotional burden ... kintu basically what that pakhi thing suggests is that u r over to a new phase in life, u have left a baggage behind, never ever to return. sheta emon ekta ki shukher bhabna ami to bujhlaam na re mataal .... hahaha ... basically 'abar ashibo firey' type er kichu bolley borong amar besh bhalo lagto ..:D:D:D it was 'bhison bhalo' meeting u too .... obosshoi tui sheta bujhechish karon the mutual happiness that we had was gushing forth in our conversations ..... I know I have changed(or so wud I like to believe), & I think u HAVE changed a lot .... proximity with any person with the opposite sex has the romantic factor involved .. so possibly I have all chances of getting duped in finding the actual reasons for this bhalolaga .. more so in our case when the girl is good-looking, smart, dynamic & sophisticated. but the fact is, these qualities are there in so many more ..!! SO ... I wud really like to pen down reasons for which I liked u, & I hope I have understood myself atleast a little bit ..:) u had goodness, simplicity, humility, empathy, innocence, sensitivity & honesty, despite having seen so much of the world, & despite having come from an economically sound family with overcaring parents which might have easily made u something different .. ..!! despite falling in & out of love, both physical & mental, u have appreciable self control not to fall to lust or craving for ego-satisfying romance .. overall, I think this time I have a lot of appreciation for u ..!! I see that u r stronger in areas in which I lack. I have respect for u now, & hope it grows. I didnt feel lust seeing u & that is very peaceful for me .... aar ota to achei .."baristar coffee chair e pith heliye tuk tuk korey hashimukhey lyadh khaoa, aar makhey moddhey apon money bhul bhaal boka aar ekgaal orthohin hashi hasha .... puro mataal ekta ..!!"3 cheers ..!!Saurav.

Diary of a jaywalker

2004-08-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

you're not a new yorker if you don't run along the crosswalk after the last minute, if you couldn't not care less of the waiting vehicle, if you don't have the patience or the time to wait for the small, white man, if the red hand serves you better.
you're not a new yorker if you aren't always in a rush, if your destination isn't more urgent than anyone else's, if the world outside your head doesn't flash by you in streaks of colour indiscernible.
you're not a new yorker if you bat an eyelid at anything out of the mundane, hell nothing deserves such bewilderment.
you're not a new yorker if your threshold of tolerance isn't constantly on the dip, reaching levels unfelt or otherwise.
if this is reinforcing that snooty stereotype then so be it, cuz its true.
not all of us are bad though; apart from the several wonderfully interesting strangers Ive encountered, am a living example of this fact. Survivors, shall we say, we are, whatever and whoever the enemy.
So it is that time of the story again, when a large chunk of reality bashes me in the face.
Life after, will be a toughie and could hinge on rather detrimental consequences.
dont know what brought this about:
Conv with delphine, whose book I have to return, perhaps.
I dont know what Im going to do without the ISO, HAVE to join the LA branch eventually. being out on teh streets does this to me, just the potential kills me. will feel helpless without it. let me see how I'll manage this. Tuesday evening then, will be very hectic.
Stranger on 125th and lex said he was getting distracted by the whitehead on my lip which I should pop, well not exactly stranger, was arguing with him for a while about the intent of the ISO's endorsement of the nader campaign. lost patience at end. told him not to.
mcdougal street, the second option: one of teh best lattes at cafe esperanto..
will trip out with jenny tomorrow. will forgo street theatre to get work done at home, so I feel less guilty about prioritising pleasure over responsibilities.
Or group in subway crooning to tune of 'land down under' by men at work. good version with guitar, tambourine and vocals only.
maybe the awesome weather as well, I love winds that mess up my hair far more professionally than I can ever do.
By the time I reached duane reade, I was already severely tuned to my love affair with this city. hence it was routine to help fellow customer choose glasses for his wife/gf/partner/friend/relative.
and why all of this drops in while Im sitting in the 7 train, I will never figure out.
of course the chief culprit is 'let go'. so fine the theme is creepily similar to 'i ran away'. I cant help it if a song takes complete control of me. Im a receptor of unfathomable sensitivity.
am also the most self-involved person I know. not of the selfish sort, but so freakingly aware of ins and outs of my self.
this is the second song which has blown me to bits at first sound. am buying dvd of garden state. when will I see it again, I wonder.
I should either not be left alone to my devices, or should not be allowed to listen to music or should have 'let go' be drained out of me. all impossible hahahahahahaha
so what should we do
THEN
am about to forfeit 10 precious days of delving deeper into the city, thanks to calcutta trip. let's not remind ourselves of that trade-off, shall we. so essentially have approximately 10 days left in new york. so claremont has area called The village...some consolation, that. Some idiot also tried convincing me I'd "hate" LA after new york. what a jerk. good he featured for about 10 minutes of my life.
denial sounds like a good proposition right about now. back to it as soon as I can. after thwarting people to think of future times, tsk tsk.
cant wait to met jenny. what happened with us, I dont know. oh god... have to call smitesh also. slowly the list unfurls.
kati rolls happen next week, hope asif drinks as many as he can over weekend, to me. I will too.
Im done drinking tonight, have work also.
Entertainment in evening took form of people at home discussing 'castes', especially in teh bong context. I wonder if I can pinpoint the line between the jokes and the seriousness. it quite shocks me at times.
I was gleeful tonight because it was in reference to ranjini's multiple boyfriends. apparently dibakar still features, apart from strangenamed people like namit and some person who gives her rides back home. hear me rolling in laughter.
I did speak to her though, and shut her up as she started with her trite concerns. wanted to know of gory details of chicago, at which point I impressively cut her short. Didn't get annoyed also. Score, pat on back, etc!
oh bought laptop also, should be here by next friday. one less thing to worry about.
How many people will I not be able to meet before I leave.
One last thing, just wanted to acknowledge the historical date that is today.
6th august: going back to 1945, saw what in my books is the most heinous crime ever committed by man. in Hiroshima.
have always been tremendously moved by the attrocity, and just like to take some time off, every year, to think of the fates of millions of innocent civilians in the hands of imperialism.
oooh and 11th august is around the corner, have to celebrate my third and final year here.
Crammed but fruitful week in sight.

2004-08-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Had to write tonight. Am leaving work and other more pressing activities to get this done.
House is full of aunts and hence might have to play hostess from time to time. Dislike the societal demand to be one. Anyway don’t digress from task at hand. Time is not on your side.
Oh got ticket also, and have tucked it safely into drawer, and hopefully will not get lost in the stacks of paper inside. Should make everyone see where it is stashed.
End of the mundane.
Saw Garden State. Totally bombed and strangely subdued consequently. Freakishly impressed with Zach Braff: not One trace of J.D. from Sacred Hearts Memorial in Andrew Largeman returning to unanticipated reunion with friends old and new in NJ. Respect him madly now. Dude wrote and directed it.
That’s one aspect of the impact.
Brought back memories of deserts and isolation from all and sundry. Caravan trips into the unknown without a shred of fear or concern. All unreal. If that is where ultimate happiness lies, I am infinitely screwed. Soundtrack…hmmm still don’t know the track name, which got me hooked in the first place. Will seek out.
Co-dependency is scary, but also such a refuge. Almost a haven which isn’t too bad a deal, come to think of it. Something to strive for, perhaps. I don’t like that I’m so moved by this. Really???
Seriously, this was a comedy.
Just found Zach Braff blog. Cool. And sought after song is Let Go by Frou Frou. Will no doubt wake up tomorrow with this in head.
Am not done with this theme as yet. Too distracted tonight. Botched up priorities are in any case getting to me.
So what should we do?

2004-07-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

Reasons why I don't smoke:

* mouth will smell
* clothes will reek
* teeth will get yellower
* cannot bear to smoke into others unflinchingly
* cannot have people associate me with reek of nicotine
* cannot impose foul-smelling mouth on others (gum makes me nauseous)
* am not so insensitive to others' discomfort
* too expensive a deal, have more fun priorities to splurge on
* health hazards

thus gave jenny advice on how to quit. she's trying too, good girl. Stress is such a killing factor. we decided to work within constraints as best possible. Counseling experience from Obesity Research Center, St Lukes Hospital was put to ample use, (memories of food records and rigid discipline came along) glad to have applied it in real life. Gradually easing it down is best and makes most sense.
Let's see progress, should keep checking up regularly.
will also ask Baba what he had done teh 5 months of his adult life to turn into a non-smoker.Will serve several purposes. maybe should have done this long time ago, but somehow am not motivated to help those seemingly unconcerned themselves.
have decided to spend one whole day losing myself in alleyways of west village.
panino giusto makes a great cafe latte, and made it cooler by dunking in brimful of cinnamon.
ended up sitting outside and scribbling random thoughts with our left hands in turns. My sentences ran diagonally along the page, though the leters were wellformed and steady. practice has done me good, have also taken notes with left hand, to kill monotony, among other things.
the bathroom reminded me of a cottage in rural europe, brick walls, flagstone floor, huge, aging mirror in frayed wooden frame, in about nine square feet of space. quite mesmerised.
feruze leaves for albania tomorrow, excited for her. know most people arent, about my trip to calcutta, but will hang on to wishes of those who are.
nidhisaraf will take leave from work to go if I do. her boss thinks she will be visiting her boyfriend. flattered. and also sad. such is the state of the world that recognises the urgency to make cross-country trips for the sake of a 'significant other', a definition excluding friends. Friendship is the single most abused relationship pragmatically. tirade ends here.

just read article on how more people in hongkong die due to lack of exercise than smoking.
does that discount the risks of smoking? no. no mention of smokers who also exercise either.

saw play called 'a louisiana gentleman' yesterday. actor looked like keanu reaves and actress like
helen hunt. winding plot with rosy end. about new orleans man dealing with snooty aunt, neglected wife and paranoid sister.

bronx zoo tomorrow, if weather permits. I operate despite it.

2004-07-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

So it happened.

I Ran Away floated in out of the blue and messed me up. About time, no?
Fleeting visions of walks around grand central in the winter cold, probably headed towards Book Off reminded me what that song meant to me.
THAT is what Im going to miss about this place.
anyway major amount of work done today - when am I ever going to find the time to pack??
I should just declare I dont have time to work anymore. Am I only one who doesnt find my pending work schedule strange and ill-timed?
Breathing space there is none.
As nidhisaraf acknowledged the biggest fish who "..occasionally comes up for air, but is usually underwater.."
We shall push luck for a ray street reunion.
Darling she called on sunday as did Simran :)
oh speaking of when, Beach was marvellous under clouds, rain and wind. Kafe Shashlychnaya was over-rated we all felt, but I liked my chicken stroganoff with dill. my eastern-european penchant is still on.
anyway funny how there was no one at the table from teh same country. this is the life. ok only till asif showed up.
people should have dunked me into teh water, a little more insistence would have gone a long way into the waves. and I havent called leo about next meet-up, felt bad we left shortly after he came along. have to make up for that.
so i broke my vow and all also. had to crash at laura's place, asif and me. I missed the name of the bar yet again. I can now discern between two separate states leading to different outcomes during bingeing episodes. Cool conversations of course. Too bad couldnt show people the roll shop next door. ok pictures have to be uploaded. bday girl was happy, though.
Impressed with small talk and breakfast I had to make next morning with cousin dadu-dida at home, while nursing severe hangover. I think discussing sightseeing in new york eased the process.

cant believe how immune I am to wowy. I am an objective listener now hahahahaha
laura is an amazingly social creature, quite adore her. hope I get to meet her again before I leave. asif has treat due also.
125th street was abuzz with passers-by yesterday, was so glad I went. Uplifting talking to lady from reserves and the guy from the Guardian angels, with freaky white lenses and vampire teeth.
and aditi's getting married in oct, in montana!!!! and she wants me there, cool ;) will make it to bozeman then. My first (semi)american wedding. Closer to claremont than new york, it is.
went to bon appetit bakery/cafe Twice today, you bad, bad girl. Addictions do catch up.

will I be able to reach rockefeller center at 7 am on fri, is the question, pondering over which will be pointless.

I badly want to go to the bronx zoo. (waaah!)

have to find presi marksheet now. something tells me I wont find it tonight.

Done

2004-07-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

My journey began in Calcutta, being the first and last-born of my parents. My schooling was at Our Lady Queen of the Missions School and subsequently at La Martiniere for Girls. After an academically uncertain, yet intellectually stimulating undergraduate experience studying Economics at Presidency College, it was evident this was not my calling. As my family moved to New York at this point, I considered an M.A. in Psychology, a subject I was vaguely familiar with, yet infinitely curious about. As I matured enough to decide my consequent path, I was grateful to Presidency College for advancing my growth.
    After three years of studying various facets of Psychology, supplemented by fieldwork and research, I look forward to beginning a Ph.D. programme in Social Psychology. This encompasses human behaviour and cognition in every aspect of life, and delving deeper into it would be remarkably fulfilling. Research I have been involved in, though not touching upon social psychology directly, has consistently presented questions whose answers require a social perspective. Diverse experiences have convinced me to study this more intensively, which I endeavour doing at Claremont Graduate University (CGU). The practical applications of this programme in the real world, to influence people’s lives beyond the experimental laboratory, I wish to utilise back home in India.
    Environmental psychology, deftly linking social psychology and our environment intrigues me. Social concerns are effectively addressed when also acknowledging environmental constraints, requiring an understanding of the psychology of the larger community. Society fragmented into cultural groups, as in India, will usually have different environmental concerns. The Indian sub-continent, an amalgamation of cultures, presents conflicting interests and a pressing need to bridge gaps between divergent norms of each. Repercussions of these are felt particularly while broaching environmental matters as well, due to needs from cultural points of view. CGU will provide me with the tools and methodology to address this by also focusing on the common threads between various groups under the national banner. Emphasis on group relationships should not only be on how they manifest, but also on ways to unravel why they are so, for a greater environmental goal.
    The appeal of an applied Social Psychology programme to me then, is its potential in India, where the field of psychology is in a relatively fledgling state. Research especially within social psychological contexts to understand and shape public policy in India, I perceive as an eventual focus. In terms of environmental issues, a broader framework of our surroundings and the diverse inhabitants of the community can refine addressal of environmental concerns. This is very important given the wealth of natural resources and a corresponding multitude of cultures in the sub-continent. With ample scope of exploitation of such valuable assets available to a wider community, it becomes crucial to handle such matters of public interest, politically and scientifically. My intention is also to affect these national issues professionally.
    This is the future I am investing in at Claremont Graduate University with the hope of equipping myself appropriately for this.

2004-07-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

This was the find of today:

http://www.mihaieminescu.ro/en/literary_work/poems/gloss.htm
(trying to figure out link..)

Gloss by Romanian Romantic poet Mihai Eminescu. A mere translation, but what can one do, apart from learning Romanian, as was acknowleged.
Fellow passenger in train engrossed in it, caught my attention and hence conversation ensued, he will email me more about him, but couldn't resist the search. He wanted me to read it during the ride, but was amply distracted. the first line I read which determined the next was "...Waves that leap like waves must fall.."
Note the curious style carried over from the first verse onto the subsequent ones. Thoroughly impressed and blissfully happy. I wait.

Ups and downs of the day did me in. Cracked under pressure a few hours ago, was pending, too.

"...The ups and downs of expectations
I can't take any more,
They just end up killing me.."

another poet, this.

Loan is driving me up the wall. Endless clarification with a bunch of different people who provide disconnected, confusing information. Customer services quite hopeless. I will warn people against approaching this agency, for their sanity's sake. Spent a fruitless week chasing a lost cause. Now start all over again, wiht trip to New Jersey. and as ever weekend's in the way. Have to forfeit the Siren festival because of last minute trip.
Cina, a Romanian place in Astoria will ease the agony, slightly.

But let's not forget, have to now Watch the movie Zorba the Greek. have just started to read, but waiter at fancy cafe Chez le Chef tipped me off. Pleasant, very pleasant. Probably the South Asian connection. Too bad won't be revisiting. Turned out to be my respite after 30 blocks of walking down Lexington. Chef Frederic looks like Santa Claus in white.

Culinary explorations continue as this new face on MacDougal, by the name of Press Toast caught me totally unawares and filled me up to the brim. Bread toasted flat with mashed avocado...will never ever underestimate size again.

Oh and then the other addition to list of complications. Eye doctor found unexplained inflammations in my eye and thus wants full check up done. So am now punctured all over after blood tests and other needless exams. Doctors more bothered than me. From the point of view of insurance, quite understandable, but I wouldnt count on him for moral and/or emotional support during an actual crisis.
Doctors greet you with the likes of "So you're very worried about the inflammations..".

Anyway, so am apparently free of tubercular infection, syphilis, neurological diseases and some other such nonsense. Blood test results should add more to list. Chest x-ray was uneventful except me making a futile attempt to convince fellow-in-charge that exposure cannot harm a non-existent fetus.
The nuances of the medical system, I wouldnt have escaped from, for too much longer, anyway.
Not done yet, though.

Want Sunday to bring in fair weather.

Part II

2004-07-10T01:14:00.000-07:00

The welcoming openness
Of limitless possibilities
Played back and forth by gentle tides
Catalysed by soothing crispy winds
Sweeping you off your toes
Tiredness of feet alone
While alive the reincarnated soul
Elusive what is touched by the sea
Just felt within, so out of human reach
So springs forth lost trails
To comfortvilles and cosy inns
The travels etched
On sand concrete
A full circle turns to bring back home
Thoughts of roots of all the passing tales
And what paved the eventful, glorious way
Sand beneath the sole sinks it in
Transient all, from head to toe
Waves dying to caress the feet
Remind of what sustains, preserves
All that’s been a staple source
Of a hazy glimpse of earthly heaven
Seaweed, bright green or dirty brown
An exploration of a touch of new
As fingers slide and snake surfaces
Refreshed with ocean water cool
From tugs and calls beyond end of land
Drifting pieces of broken wood beckon
Frayed and withered after sojourns long
Gulls playful, of the patient sort
Who know sea ways and the open life
Of what it is to be free-spirit-kind
Unhindered by none
But gales of time
Flight to be prioritised
Sands, winds and waves
Hail a boisterous encore.

2004-07-10T00:14:00.000-07:00

Stumbled upon reason why Ma is so averse to my Calcutta trip. She doesnt want to give up on time with me around. After a long conversation over the wires, in the middle of the workday (both hers and mine) this was explicitly made evident to me. Great job, you budding psychologist, you.
First of all, as I pointed out, since she's so convinced it's not practically possible, there's no reason for her to get so worked up with the very thought. Of course, the consequent effect on me is not yet clear to her.

may be visiting Claremont as early as next Tues. Subject to response from Angela Burwick and availability of affordable tkt. Apartment hunting, the intention. Checked out some plcs, glad Michael sent list of pet-friendly apts also. good conversation, that. if it hadnt been for the last-minute-stigma in my life, could have coordinated with him about transporting stuff across.
There were more options and I dont mind other people's animals. oh and some of them have pool also :)

Tripped around downtown later in the evening. Gushing fountain at washington sqr a far cry from its waterless state a year ago. Different times, these. Ticked off Polka Dot from list. Not impressed. Music alone has no weightage. Coffee, not unusually memorable (explaining my very late early hours tonight) and seating arrangement lacking in creativity.
Looked for cheap Set List cd. will push luck further in east village tomorrow. The Frames have to be obtained. Went to same cool store on bleecker, where I got b&w u2 poster from their earlier heydays. if I do go to Calcutta, am getting it framed :)

Sushila has probably decided not to reply to my email that explained total uncertainty of trip. Am short of travel agent too, then.

Work stares me in the face teh whole day tomorrow, let's try and allot time priority-wise. Will meet Asif for dinner tomorrow, happy things are working out for us. lived through days of unbearable (and in a way unfelt) anxiety the last few months. no breathing space in sight yet, though :)) Cant wait to come up for some air.

Been asked out on car-trip to wherever, next week. Adding to complications.
I wait, for next weekend.

2004-07-08T00:55:00.000-07:00

Work can be fun. Woke up to pending reports, only to get cracking on them. Which ensured conversation with Saurav online, which will make me rethink aspects I had taken for granted. Like I mentioned, it was trippy and has to be continued.
Got a nasty shock about new I-20 rules, which could potentially have had me pay an extra hundred bucks after Aug. They spring new regulations on you without batting an eyelid. such fuckers.
thankfully turned out not applicable to transfer students like myself, so spared, but there are others who won't be.
hated parting with walking tour guidebook of lower east side. But what to do, am heaped in library fines due since whenever. why is this an inevitable fate???
Ok people are asking me how Im doing with 'idea' of parting with NY.
Nothing has registered regarding which as yet, that is great. Attachments are easily displaced hahahahahahaha
Also, it's just a City. She laughs again.
And then amidst grave doubts about it ever materialising, Sting concert was a major event. I cant even remember when I got tkts. Excursion to NJ quite worth it, with most everything spelling doom, namely possibilities of me misreading date/time, getting into wrong train, missing train, etc etc
Almost super organising flop, but last minute ruled, so smoothly it went.
Annie Lennox opening paved the way, she is a cool cat and love her as well. WHY nagged the life out of me till the opening strains were heard.
Sting took over shortly. Man is aging noticeably. Voice still intact though. feruze and me both cried during Fields of Gold. Everytime. Im a sucker for music. Didnt want to leave stage also, twice he came back...that's my kind of performer ;)

Dreamt of Dimma last night, in Selimpore. Typical. Someone was giving her blue flowers about which she was complaining. Again, predictable. Im told this is not something I should be seeing. Given a choice of dreams...
anyway, this makes more urgent trip to Calcutta, which is up in the clouds.
then Jenny left voicemail complaining(?) I hadnt sent her poem. what is happening, I wonder.
head spinning now.

legal alien

2004-07-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

them

2004-07-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

Closure happens never at all
However convincing may be
Thwarting just those very thoughts
That were banished carefully
Not after violin strains
Play strands handpicked
From a charmed life
Of words echoing the very words
You didn't need yourself to hear
Faces of old glistening in the light
Tears, an inevitable plight
As revelations mark this while
And pound and bruise inside
Endlessly raining on
Reminds of memories
Shunned, misunderstood
Or fathomed not at all.
Dark, lonesome lakes
And gardens green
Masked by shadows of darkened times
Into muted grey they turn
Of nooks unused
Undisturbed
Peaceful calm, they still exude.
Tireless walks gently tugging along
Images unmoved, preserved.
The first perhaps will be the last
The first will revive the past
Emerging at the end of last.
What conjured into demons scoffed
Now warped back to merry sights.
Music overwhelms and flows
Into veins, replacing life-blood
Pumps and charges and devours
Every inch of a naïve soul
Whispers of heydays, bombard
And puncture, at first and every strike
While the sounds trickle in.
Frames flash by at battering speed
As the music rocks on
Frames pictures
Suddenly restored, renewed
Closure is a mere myth.

2004-07-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

A week's worth summarised here? not quite likely, as last night still overshadows others.
So, found out about yet another Irish band, The Frames, (www.theframes.ie) and they performed at South St Seaport as ever. Got massively killed. Cried through seventyfive percent of concert time, and now have to get cds. they were sold out.
Dont get me wrong, theyre a rock band, a real rocking one, but there's also a violinist, by god. Do I neeed anything more...apparently not.

then, Soma's in NY ??!!!! shocked out of my senses, words.. so going to meet her today. Have to figure out how to address fact that her mail from feb, I believe, is still unanswered.

Then talk on Wed went off rather well. Was proud of me. Wrap-up wasn't a breeze, but was handled.

Still harbouring thoughts of Calcutta materialising. Will have to keep on trying luck. time is the freaking constraint.
let's try to get housing taken care of this month and fees semi-fixed. do i visit Claremont now, as well? Should ask them whether it is worth the effort.
Also need to get moving with driving license.
Miscellaneous committments as far as get-togethers and trips right here.
nothing more than a reminder for me, this.

there hasnt been much space or time to reflect on life after new york. No complaints there, though :))
When it rains, it pours... or words to such effect.

What makes a song great?

its ability to tear you apart and force you to connect with not-so salient aspects of your life, for one. Especially those, you didnt quite think existed.

also if it leads to further outbursts of creativity.

ladies and gentlemen, The Frames.

2004-06-27T00:05:00.000-07:00

"Pooh, promise you won't forget me, ever.
Not even when I'm hundred."
Pooh thought for a little.
"How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety-nine."
Pooh nodded.
"I promise," he said.

Taylor's Good Food cafe also had the above to offer.

Stink concert

2004-06-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

cracked me up completely. to see it being written in ink in earnest, so carefully, made my day actually. Love Feruze, and her aunt and uncle. 7th July it is, then.
Shouldnt have indulged in needless walnut brownie after oath from a few weeks back. And conscious work of art, is cafe latte and cafe mocha at Joe the Art of Coffee. Whether this becomes haunt for the next couple of months, I wait to see, with bated breath.

Lots of conversation on teh phone with people sincerely trying to help. Appreciated it, but of course the slog is upto me. never said I wasnt up for the challenge. Housing is next on the list, and will probably have to visit Claremont to check out affordable places.
What bugs me the most is people never grasping how adversely their concern manifest as panic affects me. Ok futile thread this, so will skip this. I will be the stronger one and ignore this and distance myself from it to function as productively as possible.
I live on what I understand is a healthy dose of denial. Why else would I stop Feruze from pondering about life sustained by email interaction between two ends of the world?
Also, probably because you have already reconciled to such a conditioned way of life.

SO teh saddest news of today is that India trip has no scope of materialising before December...dec???????????????? getting back to denial.....

Giving a talk next week. About time too. On the fake transfer of power in Iraq. have an enormous amount on my plate, but have decided to go for it. good talking to Brian today, cleared up some key perspectives. looking forward to writing it Saturday. not have one inch of time before that.
Murphy somehow Will squeeze in to spice things up for me.
further confirmation comes from fact that I get invited to New Jersey the very same day Ani might be coming to NY. Second time I am presented with opportunity to Prioritise (different)friend over (same) family in less than a month's time. Bizaaaaarre. Well not like I ever claimed to be a family person. Seriously, trite conversation not worth the bus journey. Weighing that against winded walks around the Village or wherever else for that matter. So Easy it is too.

Meanwhile the pile of pending work mounts higher and higher.
Reminders for tomorrow: pay bill, call people about news, call student financing office, look up local newspapers for housing.

And was just mesasaged about friend's relapsed sex life, with assurances of further notes. Would happily like to mind my own business, though.

"So I'll just keep on walking down this open road"
Closing with Gary Barlow, ie

Not quite strange that this be the refrain for the day.

2004-06-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

sauravbasu79: tor gan shonai byaghat ghotanor jonno dukkhito ....
sauravbasu79: thank u for the testimonial ..
winky_9000: maane ????
winky_9000: byaghaat keno??
sauravbasu79: & yes , lovers song was outstanding acording to me ....
winky_9000: just dont feel like it atm
sauravbasu79: because .... I think it is one of the few times I have seen u take a areial view of life ...
winky_9000: hae bhaablaam likhleo hoy
winky_9000: "aerial" na "a real" ?
sauravbasu79: aerial
sauravbasu79: maney just like the pots I like ....
sauravbasu79: poets ..
winky_9000:
winky_9000: baba...
winky_9000: I started thinking of you smoking pot
sauravbasu79: aar hya , chobigulo dekhchi ...
sauravbasu79:
sauravbasu79: hya , chobigulo dekhchi .... tobey fist e bujhtey time laglo KONTA notun ...
winky_9000: ok aerial meaning me seeng things from afar, right?
winky_9000: KONTA maane, the chicago pictures, the one I sent you yesterday
winky_9000: teh link
sauravbasu79: yes ... exactly ... pure , unselfish , godly , summing up of ur OWN perceptions ..... something that can be called as an offering , & not a gatification ... maney onekta gitanjali r moro ... apon-onjoli noi ...
sauravbasu79:
sauravbasu79: KOI ???? kono link pai ni to ????
winky_9000: eki....
sauravbasu79: jakgey .... ami bujhtey perechi ekhon ami ... chicago tai dekhchi ....
winky_9000: what is the dff b/w apon-onjoli and gitanjali ?
sauravbasu79: amar kachey prochur .....
winky_9000: ok good
winky_9000: shetai jaane chaai...
winky_9000: tor kache ki...
sauravbasu79: for me ... gitanjali is like offering a homage to life , to ur own god higher than ur own problems ...
sauravbasu79: but apon-onjoli is like explaining urself to u , self justification ...
winky_9000: bujhlaam
winky_9000: and lovers' song was gitanjali
sauravbasu79: hya , exactly ....
winky_9000: aacha , all explained
sauravbasu79: it seemed to me like u were at that point higher than ur state ...
sauravbasu79: going to the next room ..... in case u message , there may be a delay .... in case u dont ... happy listening ...
winky_9000: aacha na will prob go, tata then and tell me abt chhobis
sauravbasu79: I will write abt chobis ..... VERY soon ...
sauravbasu79: surely ..
winky_9000: and am posting this conv on blog
sauravbasu79: THIS one ?????
sauravbasu79:
winky_9000: yes
sauravbasu79: ok ...
sauravbasu79: amra odbhut , amra kimbhut , amra ... , notun joubon eri duut ... hahaha ... tor uddeshey bola ...
winky_9000: thank you, I love it
sauravbasu79: welcome

2004-06-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

So Claremont happened ! YEAH!
Im still in shock, btw
now money situation to be tackled, oh well, one at a time please, before you drive yourself completely nuts.

Chicago etc were absolute riots. tripped out everywhere, lots of drink, but handled so impressively. Met Pakistani, who has to be called about Coalition meeting next week. I would have liked to work at his agency though.
Shelley's revolutionary poetry talk and subsequent discussion with David and Maya had me in tears, why Im not sure. Probably because Im on teh right path only. Ooooh and 80s disco, so out of the blue and so appreciated. I like Nathan also, he is quiet sort who acknowledges most everything. Helped him decipher crucial reference to Mask of Anarchy. Proud. Conversation(s) with Bill Keach also a delight. those were the defining moments.

Met Frenchwoman who will contact me during her NY trip. Dekalb was fantastic, loooved night out in the woods. Duck groaning and policeman prowling about notwithstanding.
too bad I lost one of my lenses teh next day, but we made up nicely, Sohini and me (should I forgive people so effortlessly..). But there emerges another excuse to go to Calcutta. will post those b&w pictures as well. I love me in b & w. Spooky pic of Suchitrita and me likens ghost sequence in Goopy Gyne Bagha Byne.
People continuously paying me in cash in public bus was a bit embarrassing, for several reasons. I had no idea what they were doing. I also had no idea we were going dutch. Something to think about.

Evanston is truly pretty. Kafein was great and being thrown out of there at closing time, happily reminds of similar fun times in the pleasant past. Shakespeare's garden was such a waste, but so lovely. Ani is a merry tourist guide. lake Michigan behind rocks in almost pitch darkness brought back first offcial epic poem. Did a patch of Chicago today morning, and observatory was a swell idea. I love the blue-green of the lake. Also concluded I do not like martinis. Some shop called Seven Seven Seven made me laugh.
I Am tireless.

And what of when I get back, hungry, pissed after delayed flight, just wanting some decent conversation?

Bombarded with questions about funding and admissions and explanations and followups to be done.
There I went thinking I now have an inch of breathing space. it's like nothing has changed. taking time off to celebrate would have made more sense, no? Especially after months of numbness and distractions galore. Pretty mad with Baba for doing this to me. good I will finally be moving out, it is much needed and has to happen before I screw up relationship with my parents totally. How we manage I dont know.
go to sleep now, you are tired and sleepy. work resumes tomorrow. have truckloads of which to wrap up in a couple of month's time.

but I do know what I want to do for birthday.

THUD

2004-06-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

is the reality check that was today. Ok that is misleading, am very much aware of goings-on around but today was unexpected, and of the sort you're wary of.

So the news of teh day is, I will have no place to stay in like 2 months. Everyone going back home in August. Will also have no job in less than a month's time.
So why am I so detached from my life, still?
well, actually you're not, cuz you're too busy Living your life.
Claremont has me hanging by a thread about to snap. the edge is where I am. There's just so much I can humanly do.
Thus went the latter part of the day.

good thing I got work done earlier, before the news was dropped. trainride back home was uneventful except for hep bangladeshi woman talking in bangladeshi bangla and indian man on cellphone rambling on in very bad english. oh and same woman on train earlier was standing next to me.

Met Jenny, her concern touches me. Good talking outside Cupping Room Village, another one crossed off the list. She made me laugh with her very recent discovery of her relatives in the US. I was talking too much.
I love dogs, especially the small, brown one smaller and cuter than a fox. have to find out what breed it is.
Got thoroughly disracted at Jembro, though it was worth the splurge.
Me highly-strung was the reason.
Should never let people sway me into making decisions, even her. Have sworn never to take the F train back from West 4th again. Twice bitten.

Hopefully Chicago will afford more distractions for the next 6 days. Still havent read stuff for the workshops, hate that Im neglecting those. remember to carry Leon Trotsky's essays book. Hope to get some reading done during flight.
Sanity still sought, so this should be a well-earned time-out.

Soundtrack for today: West End Girls via Pet Shop Boys. Funny.

And am numb waist down to toe for the last few days. This freaking weather...

Have so much to write, but am so pressed for time.
Will go hunt for bag to take now.

Brighton Beach

2004-06-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

Blissful at the beach, that's what I was today. had almost forgotten how much of a sea-person I am. Mountains do feature, and I do get lost in them, but there's a dynamic about the ocean that touches parts nothing else can. will dedicate more time to it. Fleeting thoughts arose, namely this was a full circle. The beach is where I began, and now Ive returned to it. Always remember and acknowledge your roots. There is a lot of unfinished business to be taken care of.
I am sincerely thankful for that which started me off. it will linger as images do.

Forgetting my camera was fate leading me to those glory days. Could concentrate more on myself, for one. Also played with bright green seaweed and dull grey gulls. Liked myself on that rock. Felt an overgrown patch of moss on dead wood. Sand below the feet was comfort forgotten for long. No resistance offered, just sinking me in.
I shouldnt wear shoes.

Turkish coffee on way back ensured another addition to list of places to be explored further.

Sandy.

Last night

2004-06-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

Was a smash hit. Everyone gelled fantastically.
L'annam was a success, great service, over-zealous waiter, good food, drinks even better
My camera almost let us down, but pulled it off.trippy pics the result.
Deborah L Coates should be proud to have a bunch of such diligent associates, toasts to her for bringing us all together for teh time of our lives.
Coffee Shop, my recommendation again (yeah, yeah!!) was the icing. Underground lounge got headier as the night carried on. Thank god talked people out of the movie idea.
I will maintain for the rest of my life, that nothing eases the bonding process better than alcohol, and bottlesful of it. Several blue parrots, mojitos, ginger kazzis and chocolate martinis made teh night, as everyone recounted their 'horror stories' to each others' delight. such a common thread there. Why do these things happen to good souls....dancing good too.
And Ishtar's bi as well, something I didnt see coming.

I have now confirmation of what stuff people perceive Im made of..."I think it's beautiful you can say 'I dont know' like that.." cheers to you michael, and everyone else for reiterating that, after my vague allusion to my future. I am such a loon.

Also died as I realised time had come for yet another round of goodbyes...
Got very emotional when Michael wondered when he'll see me again, very unanticiapted and blew me off course completely, wept like a baby. It hadnt occured to me that this was a last time of sorts.

Point is we killed all last night. And will happen again. Pictures prove my point.

2004-06-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

Oh what a day, loads of work done and am kind of beat, not like it's over for tonight though. So this is a break, then.

have cover letters to write, which I soooo hate, but whatever.
Glad Chicago trip is finally taking shape. Good fun with Suchitrita/Sohini/Ani lies ahead, not to mention teh conference. Greatly confused about workshops to attend, but will be a last-minute thing as ever. Hope hotel is in a good location, meaning there are decent plcs to eat/drink around.
DO I know how to get to dekalb from chicago..no. will figure out.
Remind me to remind Sohini about visiting that nice coffee plc on teh way to downtown Dekalb.

Lovely weather today, been anticipating the rain all day, but no one missed it when it never showed up. Took vague pics of skies and trees, just remembered to upload them.
Might write something too.

Love 99 cents stores, they are crammed with goodies you cannot even imagine unless you allocate time to rummage through them. Got mug with Hai Xin and green/white pandas on it. Disappointed that Hai Xin is jsut the company name...what a let down. then there's teh music or the strange mish-mash of it that customers were being bombarded with.
I saw the birds (thoroughly unimpressive, brown hanging ones) that were squeaking out of tune. One of those other annoying show-pieces were, as is routine, churning out teh Dr Zhivago theme. There was also a Chinese singer crooning, with brief interludes by a mooing cow. Simultaneously.

Ironically I now have slippers which say California Girl Sport.

Saw woman trying to coerce her man into waxing!!!!! something, somewhere...what a nut! Poor guy.
People are straaaange.
I am not drunk.

And this is mine

2004-06-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

Lovers’ Song

Lovers’ song there is none
No music to lead from
Except the notes that bind
No matter in the mind
As long as life’s afloat
Can’t ensure a steady boat
But lovers recognise
The best course to explore
And plod away at oars
Calming the tides.
When Storm signals cry out
The chuckling abounds
To welcome drowning gusts
And feed into the tumult
Till lovers exhausted and spent
And damage a trivial dent
On the way to salvage and protect
And effortlessly put to effect
A funnily simple prelude
To a resounding tune
Till date unheard and unsung
By lovers’ lips and tongue.

2004-06-07T00:43:00.000-07:00

like I was saying

2004-06-07T00:09:00.000-07:00

hmmm just when you thought you were managing, people descend on you and upset the healthy trend. Why people do not understand or why they care so much is beyond me. is this another reality check, well definitely feels like am in there. Wish I had an older bro/sis to tell me of the nuances of the world outside of my head.
Since that's never coming true, let;s get back to what you have to do. Do it, ie.
ok I have got myself a pair of decent, comfy shoes today and will continue from there.
maybe I should just explain to people that I can live with glaring uncertainty, and they need not worry about me, which can potentially translate to worrying me.
And adding to usual pains is cable connection utterly messed up, I will die without the internet, dependency sucks.

Bittersweet symphony featured somewhere today and has again confirmed why Richard Ashcroft is god.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, that's life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

2004-06-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

things started vaguely this evening, do not appreciate attitude problems especially when you're giving clear-cut directions to a plc right across the street. So fine Esperanto Cafe isnt written in neon signs, but if I tell you to cross the street, you do so instead of walking away.
It is in this context that I dont like being made to think it's my fault you cant find a freaking coffee shop.
ok the rest of the time was fine, in fact great fun, would have flirted more with waiter if he had been less stud-like. huh, interesting.
roomali ensured chicken tikka roll be dinner. falafel for next week then. the pan shop will continue to freak me. madras mahal seemed cool, have to visit too.
thai playboys and red devils happened, all of which got me very happy, everyone acknowledged there was no one to take care of me. I miss tarun and car after such blissful episodes. I love yumiko drunk. her friend already thinking of me going to japan was startling to say the least.
Got u2 poster too, of them so young, and interview done too. Will post pics soon.
Im a bit shocked that Im so detached as with or without you carries on.

2004-06-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

am soooo tired and sleepy, whole day in the sun does that to you
hated clinton's speech, hated potential stampede to shake his hands even more. Why am I always caught in the middle of stuff I want to stay away from?
Soul food happened, and crabcake and jamaican rice were the highlights. I love Harlem.
got pics of bday in 2003, delays kill me.

Hot Stick

2004-06-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

Meeting was a blast, Michael, Ishtar and me cracked each other up, not uncharacteristically. We make such a wonderful team, the "dynamics" of which took me a while to grasp. And I honestly didnt realise how rampant teh practice of imitating my 'yeahs' is. (I, of course do not understand this)
Best part: this is what happens when Rupu leads team meetings. AS we acknowledged, covered everything on agenda, and so much more. Made considerable progress with subsequent work as well.
Next stop, next week: L'anaam (vietnamese) on 3rd Ave & 28th Street, looking forward to meeting all our colleagues there, but just the 3 of us will do as well.

Spoke to Tito..at last... tkts seem to be on teh way too, things finally moving. good to make Bong connection here, hoping things will work out. Wish I had learnt about the art camp a day earlier.

And overheard Dwaine muttering quite happily about the virtues of his hot stick to his gf over teh phone, right behind me. Which was funny. His voice went down to eerily muffled whispers soon after. Which wasn't. had no clue they were such a hot item.

That was Michael's contribution today, to all future conversation in the lab - hot stick what he dubbed the USB drive that's gleefully replacing the floppy.

Promised Poem

2004-06-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

I Saw the Sun Rise on the 7 Train

I saw the sun rise on the 7 train
I saw the ink turn into blue
I saw the moon fall on the 7 train
I saw the orange give way to sky
I saw the white catch up
With the dawning day
And spread over the patch anew
I saw the dawn transform itself
From blackness pitch dark
To sailor’s shade
To clear Danube behind the trees
To bloodstains capturing heavenly birth
Masked solemn by traces of sun
An azure greeting the sleepy nods
As crimson leads forces of daybreak
This unassuming work of art exhibited
Brushes in joys of the day awaited
As cobalt over steel, rests its case.

2004-06-02T23:13:00.000-07:00

let's hope rowling's kind to him

2004-06-02T23:08:00.000-07:00

my love

Food for the gods

2004-06-02T22:19:00.001-07:00

Chicken Shakuti II (chicken cooked in coconut)
Ingredients

1Kg chicken, cut into desired pieces (or or off the bone)
Dry roast the following in a large pan (until coconut is a light brown,
taking care not to burn the spices):
2 tsp coriander seeds
8 dried Kashmiri chilies
1/2 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp fenugreek seeds
5 peppercorns
2 tsp peanuts (unsalted)
1/2 coconut, grated
1 tsp turmeric
4 cardamoms
6 cloves
1 inch piece of cinnamon
1 lemon
salt to taste

Method

Add the turmeric, cardamom, cloves and cinnamon to the roasted spices and
finely grind. Fry the spice mixture in some ghee for a few minutes. Add the
chicken and brown. Add salt and a little water and simmer until chicken is
cooked. Sprinkle over lemon juice a few minutes before serving.

Well this is just a lame attempt to let you take a whiff of the heavenly scent of the above combination of spices.
It is proshaad in its purest form, almost untouchable in its beauty.
High-inducing, orgasmic...I can live in a roomful of this aroma forever.
Ask me to cook it, and I will do so joyously, creating it just makes it my baby which is the entire point. Cooking for the ecstacy of cooking, where have I ever heard that before?
Resting my case for the day.

2004-06-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

Forgot to get PD guide to work, hence have to make up more hours tomorrow... whihc Is why trying to figure out how to occupy myself productively today, ok schedule more interviews.

Ok cell phones have so much potential, yet they end up adding to your agony. How many ppl do I have to talk to now..bet they'll all call at the same time. Like Murphy and technology ganging up against you.
Things get progressively crazier as the day moves on.
Will post I saw sunrise.. I am quite taken with it, dont have copy of it here at work.

2004-06-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.nysonglines.com/

is THE site to check out for your trip to ny, still havent gotten over it and am still languishing in the discovery of it.

ok according to my printout there was this place on Christopher Street which is called Fat Cat Billi, possibly a place for World Clothing

was too excited! and such a brilliant choice of words.

found it. ALso found it to be jazz bar called Fat Cat with Billiards table, etc.

too bad Yumiko didnt happen to know Hindi to appreciate and join in my hysteria.

oh, my printout had cut off the right end of the page

NY story 1

2004-06-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

The Screening Room: Donau, Dunaj, Duna, Dunav, Dunareva
Directed by Goran Rebic, 2003, German with English subtitles, 90 min. (fiction/drama)

Cast: Otto Sander, Robert Stadlober, Annabelle Mandeg, Svetozar Cvetkovic,Florin Piersic jr., Volodymir Goryansky

For the last time the old Captain Franz navigates his rusty ship down the Danube to the Black Sea. On board is an odd mix of people. All are runaways but for different reasons. We are all made of 90 percent water. How much of it is tears? Or Danube?

mystery solved

Wonderfully attractive actors. Lovely photography...every shade of blue, all times of the day.

when people start talking to you about Satyajit Ray in the Austrian cultural forum, it has to spell out a delightful evening

Also added to list of my apparent origins is German.

others so far...
Spanish
Caribbean
Egyptian
French (ok...)
Iraqi
Bangladeshi(sooo close..)

2004-06-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

Now that my god is up here as well, the place feels a bit more homey, and so can dig into it.

Played phone tag with brian the whole day...hopefully will get to talk tomorrow. Am now excited about the stoop sale, looks to be fun, should figure out when I can sort out items to donate from the mess that is my room.

I need plane tickets badly, I still dont have them. why cant ppl return calls so I can talk to them and figure my plans (however unplanned) out...

tomorrow will get royally crazy as well, hopefully i will remember I have interview at 4, meeting at 2 and ceremony tkts to pick up sometime before that.
I dont want to hear Bill Clinton anyway. Such a waste of time it'll be. Now that my last month of work is drawing to a close, Im edgy about forfeiting even an hour of work... after which I might have to spend time with her in vague, uncomfortable silence.
god, the conv today, initiated by me why I dont know, was so freaking straaaained. So Saturday's going to be fun, actually it will, there'll be others around too, and alcohol and music will help.

look forward to more ny stories here, oh and the moonlight cruise. Send poems to stanley, you forgetful girl....

2004-06-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

him

2004-06-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

cool stuff and an excellent photograph

2004-05-31T22:30:00.000-07:00

sick reality that is

2004-05-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

Not much to say, is there

Growing up

2004-05-31T22:12:00.000-07:00

Growing up

Songs you have grown out of
Cant quite bring back those secret paths
To secret lands trodden.
Ideals adopted through these whiles
That crashed and tumbled downhill
Hindrance alone in matters that
Lost sight of peaceful quiet
Roads no longer defined, demarked
Just walked on, as they present
Ideals crashed
With might unknown
Saves the hidden prize
Barring doors to a past unfelt
Just observed as the passerby.

2004-05-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

and got most things done on that previous list

have to call for plane tkts still and tito...this has to happen tomorrow or else am fucked badly.
Nice convs with general crowd, and over the email and things

Im not sure what to do with ballet shoes, might wear them about, but feet hurt, I have new respect for dancers

I HATE rem's rendition of One, he sounds like a bee gone out of control.

The danube featured, and was happy it came up, it is a mystery, to me too.

Sohini is funny, have to upload more pics soon

A shivdasasni's mail was encouraging, and now jsut have to check out the websites
remember to call and bug claremont tomorrow, and send stanley poems, do you know which?

And email ppl about stoop sale details, cant be there before 10.30

2004-05-31T00:52:00.000-07:00

things to do on memorial day

interview
cancel CT meeting
discuss stoop sale
avoid conversation with her
find bar
anti-war fraction meeting
work so many hours...
send poems
fix up plane ticket!!!!!(urgent)
call tito.....(PLEEEEEASE!)
look at st luke's website

whew (and just noting these down...)

I Saw the Sun Rise on the 7 Train

2004-05-31T00:47:00.000-07:00

is a hit

echoes of an earlier tune have elevated it

haha